Nailing down that hand baggage policy
As Hot Chocolate would say, no doubt about it - Ryanair has DEFINITELY got either a) an urge to up the profit-per-punter-per-flight or b) introduced a coherent and consistent policy about carry-on bags.
I have just returned from my second flight to the Iberian Peninsula (Ed. - please check speeling) in two weeks and on both legs of the journey all carry-ons were checked for size.
Nay bother for me, as I no longer carry bulky mags for my business partner.
Going out earlier this week, the flight was full - not a seat to be had anywhere - so the checking was probably due to the fact that they KNEW there would not have been enough overhead space for all the carry-ons.
So, more profitable and less hassle on board to catch a few hapless people at the departure gate and squeeze some dosh out of them because they haven't followed "ze rules".
Cynical? Moi?
Coming back to the UK, everything was again checked for size - which is when "the incident"  happened.
Getting my bag into the I-can't-believe-it's-not-the-right-size contraption went smoothly.
Getting it out again was a different matter.
Eventually, under the watchful, but unhelpful, eye of the Bag Monitor, I extracted it from its cage - and left behind half a torn finger nail.
However, I am delighted to report that after catching the spikey nail twice early in the flight - once when securing seat belts and again when pulling down the drinks tray - an attentive member of the cabin crew spotted the problem and, without being asked, offered to get me a plaster for the offending appendage.
Now that's service. I'd have fallen off my chair if I had been sitting on one.
Wonder if my travel insurance covers ripped nails?

Priority cabin baggage?
Flying back to Blighty from the sunshine last week, EVERY item of cabin baggage was checked for size at the departure gate.
I haven't seen so much hammering, huffing and puffing since woodwork classes at my old school.
From what I could see before boarding, an enormous amount of adjustment and pocket-filling finally resulted in all the bags tested making it through.
So, is this a sign of some consistency at last?
I ask because I have seen it all in the past, from people getting on board with a case the size of a small African country to a passenger stopped and told he must put his airport-branded plastic bag containing a sandwich, newspaper and scarf into his trolley-dolley bag.
Perhaps Ryanair have decided apply their rules to everyone, on every flight.
Actually, that would be great, as we low-costers would know exactly where we stand.
Or did word come out from head office that there was a bonus available for staff for every item of over-sized hand baggage "seized" and put into the hold, making the flight just that bit more profitable? It wouldn't be the first time.
Or maybe it is just a sign that Ryanair's strategy of telling us how we should fly finally coming home to roost?
For on a busy flight, as most are during the heavily cutback low season, there just isn't enough overhead locker space for everyone to take cabin baggage only.
Sure, you can put it under the seat in front , but have you ever had to do that? It's agony.
So what is Ryanair's end game?
Well, how long until we have to pay a "Priority Cabin Baggage" charge of, say £5 per case each way, if you  want overhead storage? Sounds impossible - or is it?
Answers on a postcard, please.
See SPACED OUT MAN from May 2011 for a related post.

New party game launched by airline/airport
I participated in a great new airport game this morning as I awaited my flight back to Blighty.
It's called Passenger Shuffle. Here's how it works. Announce that the flight to Stansted will leave from gate B55 (upstairs/upescaltor). There it is, clear as day, B55 on all the electronic boards, just an hour before scheduled take-off.
Seasoned travellers (yep, c'est moi) are already one step ahead and therefore first in the leper queue (that's non-priority, non-seat booked and flying without a child).
Self-satisfied smirks all round as those of us at the front look down the long queue stretching out behind us. No problem getting a choice of seat today.
Wrong. It's Passenger Shuffle time. Here's how it works.
What you do is change the gate number to D27 (yep, the one back down the stairs/ down the escalator), make no announcement but get a member of the handling company staff to tell people about the change - starting with those at the back. You know, the ones we smirked at.
Then work your way up the queue to the friendly souls at the front, idly chatting away, without a care in the world. After all, we're in line for a great choice of seat.
Unfortunately, by the time the message got through to us, the stragglers had gone. We did the Passenger Shuffle, but we were ...... at the back of the queue at gate D27. Marvellous. Oh what a jolly jape. Must play it again some time.
By the way - amazing coincidence on my way out on Sunday. Minding my own business in the non-priority/ childless etc. queue, my attention is caught by a man stridding towards me.
As he gets closer he smiles - and says "have you got any magazines this trip?"
Yep, it was one of the kind passengers who'd helped me out in November. Small world.
And no, I didn't have any magazines. Too stressful.

Go on - reserve that seat

Ryanair, the world’s favourite airline (it says), has introduced reserved seating.

The pre-booked service, which became available on all routes on January 10, costs €10 (each way) and includes priority boarding.

You can still pre-book priority boarding for €5 each way per passenger (which apparently is limited to 90 passengers per flight – bet you didn’t know that).

The last available full-year figures (to March 2011) showed the airline carried 72.1 million passengers. Its figures to March this year will undoubtedly be lower as Ryanair grounded 80 planes over the winter, so let’s say there’s a 5% drop – that’s still 68.5 million people carried to the year ending March 2012.

Based on my experiences of both Ryanair and easyjet, I would say around 15% of passengers currently book priority boarding – some 10.27 million people.

Let’s surmise that 50% of those will go for the new reserved seating/ priority boarding option – and we get to the grand total of €51.38 million extra profit a year.

This new development is no great surprise to an old traveller like what I am.

Michael O will undoubtedly have a long list of more wheezes to extract more dosh from punters.

Next? Forget the €1 to go to the loo – people would just train themselves to avoid using the onboard facilities.

But my money is on a fee for carry-on bags. Over the last couple of years I have seen many, many occasions when, on a full flight, overhead space simply runs out and some bags end up in the hold.

So, look out for the combined €15 each way fee for reserved seat, priority boarding and space for your trolley-dolley bag.

You heard it here first.

Flights £37, total cost £57
Just booked my latest return flights to the Iberian continent.
Cheaper than a day-return rail card to London from the countryside where I reside.
The two flights worked out at £36.98 (65% of total cost) - a bargain.
Taxes, fee to check-in online (using my ink to print out the boarding cards!) and credit card fees woked out at £20 (35% of the total) - turning a bargain into a good deal.
I know the authorities have the credit card or "administration fee" matter in hand but when will something be done about paying for the privilege of saving airlines costs (online check-in)?

The Ryanair pint

Michael O'Leary orders a Guinness.

"That'll be €1, please sir," said the barman.

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland."
"That is remarkable value," Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be €3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra €2. You could have pre-booked the seat and it would have only cost you €1. I think you may to be too big for the seat, sir. Can I ask you to sit in this frame please."
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman.
"And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another €3."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the  manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be €2 please." 
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?" 
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough, What sort of hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for €1."

Spooky or what?

Spooky or what?
Two days ago I wrote about an issue I faced with hand baggage at the Ryanair departure gate.
Now I discover the following story from the Daily Telegraph:
Airport staff offered scheme to help catch Ryanair passengers with excess baggage
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/transport/8890300/Airport-staff-offered-scheme-to-help-catch-Ryanair-passengers-with-excess-baggage.html
I realise that this refers to John Lennon Airport in Liverpool - but can my experience on Sunday be mere coincidence?
Answers on a postcard, please.