The Ryanair pint

Michael O'Leary orders a Guinness.

"That'll be €1, please sir," said the barman.

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland."
"That is remarkable value," Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be €3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra €2. You could have pre-booked the seat and it would have only cost you €1. I think you may to be too big for the seat, sir. Can I ask you to sit in this frame please."
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman.
"And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another €3."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the  manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be €2 please." 
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?" 
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough, What sort of hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for €1."

Spooky or what?

Spooky or what?
Two days ago I wrote about an issue I faced with hand baggage at the Ryanair departure gate.
Now I discover the following story from the Daily Telegraph:
Airport staff offered scheme to help catch Ryanair passengers with excess baggage
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/transport/8890300/Airport-staff-offered-scheme-to-help-catch-Ryanair-passengers-with-excess-baggage.html
I realise that this refers to John Lennon Airport in Liverpool - but can my experience on Sunday be mere coincidence?
Answers on a postcard, please.

The Great British public
I had a bit of trouble at my departure gate at Stansted Airport on Sunday as I was flying out to the sun with Ryanair.
I guess he was only doing his job but for some reason the Ryanair employee homed in on my hand baggage as he checked my priority boarding pass and passport: " That's looks a bit big, mate," he said, adding, "See if it fits in there," as he pointed towards the I-can't-believe-it's-not-the-right-size contraption at the gate desk.
No problem, I thought - this is the bag I purchased (at some expense) five years ago for my six or eight flights a year to Iberia.
I made sure it met Ryanair's measurements (Easyjet allow a bag of greater dimensions) as I felt I ought to meet the lowest common denominator.
And it's never let me down. Which is not surprising as I always travel for three or four days and have packing the bag down to a tee - including weighing it on the bathroom scales to make sure I don't fall foul of Ryanair's 10kg weight limit (Easyjet have no limit, provided you can lift it unaided into the overhead locker).
Until Sunday. Would the bloody thing fit? I think you know the answer.
A BBC Watchdog investigation of last year sprang to mind - you remember, the one where they checked out the I-can't-believe-it's-not-the-right-size contraptions at Luton Airport and found them to be smaller than the airlines' accepted guidelines.
Anyway, I huffed and I puffed.
"That'll have to go in the hold," I was informed. So, add £40 to the extra day's parking, the extra night in a hotel and another day on the car hire and it all made my low-cost ticket look pretty high cost.
Why the other extra cost? Well, Ryanair emailed me two weeks ago to say my flight on Monday had been cancelled and I had been transferred to the Sunday flight.
And that's when the Great British public came to the rescue.
"Can you put on some of the clothes from the bag?"asked one fellow passenger.
An interesting concept - that got me thinking. WHY won't the bag fit when it usually does?
Then it came to me - the magazines I'd bought for my business partner were pretty bulky. Maybe if I took them out.......
Eureka! Minus the mags, the bag fitted perfectly into the I-can't-believe-it's-not-the-right-size contraption. A round of applause from my fellow passengers and a lap of honour from yours truely.
I threw the mags into the bin - £10 worth against £40 for a bag in the hold; no contest.
"I'll take one of those for you," said a man in the queue.
"I'll take one as well," said someone else.
So, a bit of bin diving and some quick distribution and it was sorted.
Regulation hold bagage AND my magazines.
I counted them all out and then counted them all back in again by the time we landed three hours later.
Thank you, fellow passengers. I love you all.

It's in the bag - at last
A couple of months ago I set my sights on airport security rather than low-cost airlines.
You remember - the incident when my liquids bag was rejected because it was too big.
I still wonder, sometimes, who's now using my shaving cream?
Anyway, I can report some good news.
BAA listen to the low cost traveller.
Arriving at Stansted security last week for my flight to the sun, BAA had people on the public side of security advising passengers on the acceptable size plastic bags.
Before they went through.
Hurray. Communication. Simples.

A victory for Which? and the low-costers
Travel companies, including the low-cost airlines, have today (June 28) been ordered to end the use of hidden surcharges for passengers paying by card.

The UK’s Office of Fair Trading (OFT) has ordered them to make all debit or credit card charges clear immediately.

It also wants the law changed to abolish altogether charges for using debit cards.

The OFT's announcement comes in response to a super-complaint by the consumers' association Which?, which earlier this year called for customers to be told upfront about charges.

It had also argued that charges to customers should be the same as the cost to retailers, and that retailers should absorb the cost of debit card payments.

Which? had pinpointed low-cost airlines as the worst offenders.

Airline Easyjet charges a surcharge of £8 for payments by debit card and £8 plus 2.5% of the total transaction for credit card users, the OFT's report said.

Ryanair charges £6 per journey for both credit and debit card users.

Some travel companies do not levy a debit card surcharge already and others have agreed with the regulator that they would include this in their headline price online.

Full story at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13932299.

Never, ever, volunteer

A family with a small child were late on board a recent flight.
In fact, they were the last to board. However, they wanted to sit together.
(Ever thought of listening to the call for people travelling with children? You then get to choose your seats, you muppets).
One woman, sitting in an aisle seat, with the centre and window seat empty, volunteered to move but said she wanted  to sit two rows further forward where there was only one other person, in a window seat.
The crew thanked her and then asked that she go forward there and then, even though it was easier for everyone for her to wait in the aisle BEHIND the now empty row because of the congested aisle.
Common sense said get the family seated first.
She said she'd  wait. But the crew insisted that she squeeze through, past said family and two trolley dollies.
So she did - and, behind her back,  one crew member made a big show of raising her eyes to the heavens.
So much for volunteering. Moral of the story? Act like a regular low-coster, bury your head in a * book/ magazine/ Kindle (* delete as applicable) and ignore everyone else.

They've done this before
Spotted a couple of regular low-costers at the gate the other day.
They carried out a classic procedure to ensure getting on the plane early without having to pay extra for early boarding/ speedy boarding or borrowing a child to accompany them.
Here's how the move works. Firstly, get in the speedy boarding/ queue 1/ whatever the "first on board" queue is called by your airline, even though you are fully aware that you are holding Priority Z boarding passes.
Shuffle forward and when told told you can't board yet, look shocked, shuffle back a couple of feet , keep re-examing your boarding pass, nod sadly a few times and stand where you are, being careful to avoid eye contact with any of the 130 plus passengers who have spotted what is going on and are patiently waiting in the general leper queue.
When they begin their embarkation, shuffle across and board before all the saddos who waited patiently in line. Mostly Brits, as we seem to be the only nationality who view queueing as a courtesy, not a challenge.
Then, unleash part two of your "I'm going to have a stress-free flight" plan.
Occupy a window seat and an aisle seat, pretend you are strangers by keeping your noses buried in a book/magazine/newspaper and DARE anyone to sit between you.
If that works (and it usuually does), announce to the other passengers that you are, indeed, together, by removing your lunch, neatly wrapped in pristine aluminium foil, from your perfectly-sized cabin bag.
Who do I blame? Not these peeple, who are just cleverly playing the game, but the airlines for not allocating seats.

WARNING - size does matter
Low-cost airlines are off the hook for this Blog. Instead, it's airport security that I have in my sights.
Now, we all know that liquids are not allowed through security at any airport unless they are in small containers (less than 100ml).
Well, all except the idiots I see on most of my trips, happily putting their bags on the conveyor system while clutching their bottles of water. Have they never travelled before or don't they realise water is a liquid?
I digress. The subject of my wrath this time? Plastic bags. In particular the clear, plastic bags you need to contain all your under 100ml liquids, if you want to take them onboard.
This has been the norm for several years now across Europe. I had a clear plastic bag. It travelled with me everywhere for almost four years, a safe haven for my shaving gel, toothbrush, razor, toothpaste etc.
It felt like part of my travelling family - always there. It won't let you down. It doesn't require nourishment. And it won't jump the boarding queue (unless I do, of course).
Until a recent sourjon to sunnier climes, when a security person at a regional UK airport informed me that the bag was too big. "OK - so what do I need to do?" I enquired.
"You'll need to go out of security, buy another (correct-sized) bag from one of the vending machines and then go back through security."
Yeah, right - having taken 25 minutes to reach the body scanner, I had no intention of repeating the exercise. "I'd like to speak to a supervisor, please."
To cut a long story short (I can hear the cheers from here) I left my toothpaste, shaving gel and the offending bag on the supervisor's desk. and placed the non-liquid items in my trolley-dolley bag.
I am sure she gave them a good home.

Spaced out, man
In the constant drive for efficiencies (or profits, as I like to call them) most low-cost airlines are doing more and more to encourage people to travel with carry-on baggage only.
They have encouraged this by introducing high charges for checked-in bags, high penalties for not checking bags in at the time of booking flights online and generally making it a fairly difficult process.
I travel regularly and for short trips, so I am a low-cost airlines dream - well, in this matter at least.
My trolley-dolley bag is wheeled, has a secure laptop compartment and a sizeable section for clothes etc. Sorted. To date, this has worked well. But I see a problem looming.
What are the airlines going to do when all passengers follow my example?
I was on a full flight recently and had boarded early on in the process. I like to get on early - I just LOVE people-watching.
Anyway, one of the last people to join us was a cabin-baggage-only traveller. One of those relaxed, "there's a seat for me" people who avoids the stress by hanging back and casually sauntering on board.
Yep, there was a seat for him. But no space ANYWHERE in the overhead lockers for his  bag.
"I'm sorry, sir," said a crew member, "but your bag will have to go in the hold."
Much to his credit, he stood his ground and refused the order/request (delete as applicable).
After a great deal of huffing and puffing, the crew managed to move things around (primarily, it seemed to me, toilet rolls and serviettes) and found some space.
So, we all look forward to the day when EVERYONE takes hand baggage only.
Especially the low-cost airlines. Because then another revenue stream will open for them - a super, pre-paid, cabin-baggage charge.
How long before we have to pay for everything we carry on board apart from our clothes?
Mind you, there's a thought.

Leg room? The the least of your problems....
Many of my fellow low-costers complain about the leg room available on planes. Come on, quit whinging. Don't you like playing middle-aged sardines?
Never one to follow any trend, leg room isn't one of my grumbles. Torso room, however, is. Never mind the length, what about the width?
To be a modern low-coster you need the flexibility of an Olympic gymnast - and eyes in the back of your head. On a recent flight I'd settled down into my usual routine.
Seatbelt on - check. Book open at relevant page - check. Coffee ordered from trolley-person - check. Tray down, on which to rest said coffee and book - check. Eyes in the back of my head scanning the aisle behind me - err, no.
Result? Coffee, released from its styrofoam jail, in left hand. Lift cup to mouth. Shift elbow 20mm into aisle to enable liquid to reach mouth - and have flight attendant knock elbow. Coffee on book, tray and trousers. Comment from said flight attendant?
"You really must be more careful, sir."
I think it was the "sir" that got to me. Just a little too much emphasis on that single little word. Nothing at all to do with the fact that he'd knocked me.
Sorry really is the hardest word.

Cabin baggage allowances
Don't you love them? Having done a quick check of the main low-costers, they all appear to have different acceptable measurements for your carry-on bags.
So, if you travel frequently with, say, Easyjet, and follow their online advice on dimensions of your holdall, trolley-dolley wheeled bag, fancy computer bag etc., you'll be fine. There won't be a problem.
But try taking the same bag on Ryanair and you face problems - you'll need a smaller bag unless you want to hear those dreaded words: "Sorry, sir, that bag exceeds the carry-on size - it'll have to be carried as hold baggage. That'll be £40 please."
So, if you travel frequently, use the lowest common denominator - which, as far as carry-on baggage is concerned, is Ryanair.